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2.26.26 Relationship Paradigm

       My Relationship Paradigm Originated 2007, Re-Written and spoken at the pack commitment ceremony June 19, 2010, Updated 2013 & 2015, 2018  March 20, 2019:  first day of my last year of my “first 50 years free”  test drive  June  20, 2020 during stay @ home. Now February 26, 2026. …. after the “major fall and the minor shift” in the world and the pack. From a home of 10 at fullest, to “2 izza pack” from 2019 to a household of 3 for the wheelchair year 2022 and back to Nathan and I in July  2024  "One of the cores of our relationship as the "TamarackPolyPack" is the stand I invented for myself and began living in 2007. It has evolved and will continue to deepen and broaden. This has become the foundation of our lives and the trunk from which the branches of my primary relationships are nourished. This stand, this fundamental paradigm is the structure and solidity from which I commit my life to my partners and to the practice...
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If I die first...... 2026 version

February 26,  2026 The post xolaire version… Life is different on this side It’s been a while since I posted this. I used to do this every year on facebook and send copies to people I cared about. I don’t know when I stopped, sometime during the pandemic.  It’s interesting I stopped posting it before the first round of heart failure (that I knew of) … but posted before I got sick. Before 2022? When I literally bought and prepaid and planned my own funeral.  I found it, the most recent version! I reworked it last in 2020 for a class….. As a poem. Somewhere, I stopped writing, somewhere with the med changes and the heart failure… maybe I was too close to death to honestly send this…..  This time, I am not on facebook any longer… the politics of Meta… so no posting…. So I will be sending this directly to loved ones And printing copies to put with my estate documents…. If any one has to ever write an obituary, maybe there is something here…. This and that I could grow a ...
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Trying to Try

  I am in bed Doing my stretches and feet circles and leg wiggles in bed trying to get the strength to roll to stand to get my brace to take the pressure off to move to get to the bathroom.  And I am wondering if I want to fully get up again.   I was so excited to be better and getting betterere before the cruise in march. I rallied, I pulled  and I was doing so well.    Then this crash after crash after crash and I just don’t know if I have it in me to get all the way up.  What if I get up and this happens again? I am so tired.  I was so happy to be back at work and doing more around the house and getting ready to go for  walks and hikes and dancing again. And then it all went away.    Again.    I think two big things (years)  like this too close together is making it hard to believe there will be a pot of "good"  (span of time of wellness) at the top of this mountain. I keep hitting shame and guilt for being kn...
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breath 2023

  I just held still Waiting Not even holding my breath Waiting to find breath to hold
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Where did the last 5 + ish years gooooooo? 2017-2023

  In 2017 I got beyond sick and my health collapsed Nathan, Me and Mori and Kuma had our puppy clumps Sparkles, Inara, Zozo, Kaylee, Malamutt  We were so so so sick physically for so long w new bebes Things broken that we couldn’t see between us Nathan and I had a car accident and life was weird I was still lightly traveling for work and working locally sans health I could hardly see or feel or hear Pictures of me didn’t even look like me Friends grew weary of the health issues People were driving wedges between us Nathan got lost and forgot who he knew me to be I didn’t know he was lost We misplaced each other In 2018 on my 48th birthday I ended a 14/15  year relationship  This ended the 3 person relationship that Nathan and I had shared Nathan and I were left together alone after recovering Inara restructured Nathan’s leg via headbutting and major surgery Silver and Tsuki: our redemption pack - the first healing around parenting I could not get my health right no...
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