If I die first...... 2026 version

February 26,  2026

The post xolaire version… Life is different on this side

It’s been a while since I posted this. I used to do this every year on facebook and send copies to people I cared about. I don’t know when I stopped, sometime during the pandemic. 

It’s interesting I stopped posting it before the first round of heart failure (that I knew of) … but posted before I got sick. Before 2022? When I literally bought and prepaid and planned my own funeral. 

I found it, the most recent version! I reworked it last in 2020 for a class….. As a poem.

Somewhere, I stopped writing, somewhere with the med changes and the heart failure… maybe I was too close to death to honestly send this….. 

This time, I am not on facebook any longer… the politics of Meta… so no posting…. So I will be sending this directly to loved ones

And printing copies to put with my estate documents…. If any one has to ever write an obituary, maybe there is something here…. This and that I could grow a green fluffy fern and that I helped a few pups, and that I loved so very deeply my people.

This is the year of dealing with dad’s passing, he passed 11/28/2025 and it has me thinking even more deeply about how I want people to feel safe and secure and grounded when I do pass, not unsure and unsettled

Reading through, so much change. 

People changed, some now that I thought were forever are … not. Some went but then after the pandemic everything reset. 

The people who came back after, there is a different type of solidity to the relationships….

Right now, i am on the mend getting better, organs finally working, xolair for lungs, heart condition diagnosed and being treated and managed. Prednisone at its lowest level ever … on the better getting side of things …

We have reset the graphic equalizer of the endocrine system, now we are working on the “levers” and “pulleys” of accumulated musculoskeletal injuries …. Hips and spine…

At 56 (in March) I am looking towards getting up one more time…. Re aiming for that :”live to be 100 thing” and this spring trying to come back to life. By summer I hope to be dancing, hiking &…other extracurriculars

Here is this year's version.

IF I die first, for any reason, before you read this...

Just know, that no matter what the thing or things were and was that you didn't get right, didn't clear up, didn't do all you wanted for, didn't say, or just plain did wrong.

All of those are forgiven every nite .... and if anything was needing to be solved - from my point of view - we were either already working on it, or I had worked through it... just know that ...TRUST that, FEEL that... .

What I would want most in the world if I were to pass first, would be to leave behind people who are healthy and whole and healed as humanly possible... people who will pull together to support each other in my name, and who will keep the puppies safe and loved....

Grieve yes, sadness yes, be real time with everything that comes with losing a loved one...

but if I leave people behind in doubt, then I will have failed....

I am healthy today - I have no plans on leaving this world any time soon... but if ever that happens...

If you are in my world, and something need(ed) forgiving, you would have heard from me ... real time - never doubt that...

but if you do - read this

I forgive you for anything you haven't forgiven yourself for...both the known and unknown things... the ones never voiced, never caught, never glimpsed, the ones that are felt underneath but can't be proven, the silly ones, the superficial ones and the ones that took years to recover from.... the toe steppings to the heart shattering.

Please, forgive yourself for anything lingering and let's live in the current in real time.

Life can change or end suddenly - let's really live it, and If I leave first.... you live knowing all is well, and clear and healed. There is nothing to hang on to, or regret.

Love, Ann Marie

Historical evolution of this writing

Reworked for poetry resilience class 2/22/2021

Ann Marie Taylor Epistolary Poem          

IF I die first,

for any reason,

before you read this...

6/15/2020 The Covid Version - needs no explanation as to the importance of this

May 24 oct 2018 Copy of forgiveness june 2017 Copy of if i die first

This is the hardest time I have ever had to post this. I have lost so much these last two years. AND in my heart, this is still who I want to be. Many things are still broken but the love the forgiveness is all real. “We’re not broken just bent”..... Some of us really bent. I will be coming back ready to hold space for those who still need to heal. Those who want to. Those who find it too hard to ask. Those who will never ask. I will come back with love in my heart. 

October 20th, 2019 - just before I leave for Maui on transformational fun trip  - taking patrick and carrie and overlapping with a dear loving friend of mine one more time on sugar beach - for walks, healing - healing at home for nathan, healing for me, sister time decades overdue, time with beloved wuzzband. 

May 24th, 2019 - after the big break up of 15+ years.. This one took a while to get to… all the things unseen for so long… and knowing there will be more found out later… this is the hardest so far… the being left in the dark with things unseen - things no one told me, the having gone crazy trying to figure out what/why/where/when…. When it all broke loose it took me a few days this time…. But I am here. Starting the weekend - heading to packwood - clearing

October 12 , 2018 on Nathan away break after the math reboot for healing - while caring for the redemption pack and trying to stop the heart dizzies and the head crashes. no strength for new words, so just cut and paste.

April - 4/11/2018 Our real spring post surgery, while rebooting after all the things. Time for a fresh start and clean transitions and healthy endings. Love to all.

February 22, 2018 From Hawaii - Explanation later … for today posting the important part

June 18, 2017 - after this recent round of health scares…. This is even more pertinent to me than it was when I first wrote it. No thunderstorms today, just a sleepy Nathan, baby puppies 14 weeks old today, Chinook & Kiantee @ 16+ are still with us. There is a nice quiet rain and plans to migrate the mama ship to packwood later. I am pondering letting Nathan sleep and getting donuts at barney's corner if they are open as a puppy daddy day... And reflecting on so many deep and painful and joyous changes that have happened over the last months.

The first version 2013…. 

After an interesting and thunderous long nite with sleep in blitses and many puppies on the bed huddle near me, and an amazing day at "work" yesterday surrounded by people who are doing such brave things.. I feel I need to write this.

8/2013