Wolfhealer Writes

Good morning monday, Monday’s are complicated… aren’t they? I think aunt flo is finally  going away - after 3 days of crankiness - or today will be the hardest day this cycle and I just have a couple hours off - or she just gave me 5 mins to get up and pee lol- this was a record @ 120 days tween cycles - at 365 they consider it true menopause.  - I am unsure yet which way to day she's going to run with things, at least the incubator is still up and running in case I win the IVF lotta and can “buy fresh eggs” as my ivf doc. suggested a few years ago. This is hard because I could have done IVF 2 rounds over if I hadn’t been trying to support other people’s goals, and it’s part of why finding out after the fact about things being different than I knew is hitting so hard. I had like two other chances @ this if I had known how things were going to pan out, and I banked on other people’s dreams and them following through on their words. Now, I won’t be able, even working ful...

What it took to get baseline: Prednisone no matter what - I decided I would take enough to breathe even though I didn’t know why (I know now) for as long as it took no matter what else it did to my body. Trust my gut (deciding to) no matter what - and do it all if not sure it was done (dog care) and all the things that just seemed off. Deciding NOT to wait for evidence but trust my gut, and let evidence fall into place. Give up my walks and routine self care until house and dog care caught up and til I figured out what was going on or got it all done Hold ground no matter how much pred and coffee it took to stay awake longer and later Give up caring what people think about how controlling and bitchy I look while I rooted out the lies Going “on strike” and saying I will not pay for anything else for anyone else until I figure out where my money is going, who is lying and why the house and dog yards aren’t looking like someone is here full time taking care of them. KEEP standing up and ...

So, yes  to address the crazy nov 18th So yes, there have been the things that are the crazy lookings or beings and as I am being gas-lite and gossiped about behind the scenes, and in private and to people I can't directly address because.... that type of gossip.... I don't have a way to speak for myself directly in the web of communications as it stands So here is the best sideways communication and maybe the people who need to see it do I can figure out it out from there with anyone who wants more info Did I flip out on Nov. and behave in a totally not healthy way? YUP Do the why's matter? I really don't know. Did I do things out of character and that I wish were different? Yup. But here is the what I do know: I was super sick and planning to drive the "boys" (rescue Rosie's baby boys to Idaho to their forever home) Nathan wasn't keen on a road trip and had said no so I arranged with our other (at the time part time live in par...

So, let's get this gutted out You, someone who has been part of my world for 15 years has been actively Counting on my not gossiping policy to gaslight me It isn't going to work any longer. the divide and conquer of households and friendships stops now I am going to be able to be fully self expressed and find my way through this with my own standards intact. I am okay with not being liked by you or by other people for  a while I am centered with people making their own decisions about my actions I understand most people won't even understand why this is important to do I am willing to present uncomfortable facts about myself and my process along the way to pave the way for healing for people It's not about me - I am working towards 2 goals: 1) never letting anybody get hurt again by my silence - i.e. confusing discretion with things that should have been said and steps that should have been taken 2) getting my part clear and that what is so about the t...

Okay let's put this one to rest the not gossiping policy in my home, taken from a class I took (2009 ishy? 2010?)  was designed to foster love, healing, granting being and bringing people closer it was not intended to be perverted into a web of isolation and divide and conquer the rule about gossip - or rather standard to which I aspire and want in my home is that gossip is defined as: not talking about other people's content/or themselves interpreting them behind their back without their knowledge or consent doing so is like taxation without representation if you speak of them and tell them - even if they don't like it - it isn't gossip if you have their consent it isn't gossip if you are relating your own experience in a way that doesn't violate their content it isn't gossip I am utterly tired of people skewing that with their definition, or dictionary definition when that is NOT what I have said or tried to do - those other definition ma...

the biggest thing about getting back up, really getting back up is figuring out how to communicate when people respond to the "good" stuff, the lite stuff and really feel supportive but the silence that happens when the ugly not so good stuff comes up... I am still, always trying to just be be, just share as I would share in person ... but even I find myself silenced by the awkwards... people don't really seem to know how to be or what to do or say - and I end up left feeling lonelier.. I have been trying to break out of some pretty heavy toxic crap for 2/3 years now.. and starting to reach out and then being shut down for sounding negative or complaining... so getting back up and trying again, alone... or arguing with the people that the patterns were locked in with... and then getting tired I need all those people who post the memes about not being silenced to recognize that this is one of these things they post about - NOW is when someone is trying to reach o...