Sometimes... doing the right thing just sucks.

Sometimes... doing the right thing just sucks. Had to be done for me to be "me" but right now just feeling loss.

When we couldn't pay our injured puppy sitter fast enough, my heart knew it was the right thing to do to file a claim with our homeowners insurance. I knew I was risking future coverage. I knew we might lose the policy and have to get a new one, which would not cover the dogs. And I knew the right thing to do was to USE the insurance we had been paying premiums on for well over 10 years. That is what insurance is supposed to be there for.

... and... We did lose the policy. and the new one doesn't cover dogs. and my faith in humanity got a little shaken. 

it was still the "right" thing to do and my heart doesn't resent that choice.

When the insurance company then fought us and said we didn't have a valid policy and gave us the run around, it was temping to say "f--k it" I don't have anything they can take, already broke and no assets due to spending all my money and borrowed money on puppy stuff... It would have been easy to just let it fly to the wind.

Except the co-house owner is someone I deeply care about - and they would have come after HIS retirement, his assets, his credit.... 

So even thought I knew I may never see the money again I spent the couple thousand that was earmarked for savings and my possible next round of IVF, or puppy care.. the safety net I finally had.. I found an attny, I paid the attny knowing we may get the money back and we may not........... and my heart knows it was the right thing to do.

And we "won", the insurance company will honor that decade plus of premiums.. and our injured friend will be taken care of in a way we couldn't afford to do out of pocket. No body really "wins" these things ... but we kept the wolf from the door (and our woofs safe inside our doors). The insurance company will do their thing and hassle her, but then cover her and she will be made as right as possible. 

The dogs are alive. They are healthy, they are happy almost two years later (two years in spring). They are vibrant and I am thankful every single day that they are still here and breathing.

My partners retirement, assets, credit is safe. Our relationship and friendship and respect for each other deepened through this experience ... we came together as a team and I am proud of how he and I have handled every detail of this. 

... and there is loss. Today we got the final word that the insurance company will not cover the attorneys fees we incurred to get them to do their part. He was worth every penny and he went the extra mile to try to get that money back for us, from them. His counsel was invaluable and we would not have won without his coaching. 

And. my money is never coming back. The hard earned money, the safety net, THAT money is never coming back to give us that little cushion or get us caught up from Red, Max and Senty's bumpy medical. 

So right now, this moment, I am just going to sit and have some tea. With the puppies. I am going to pet their fuzzy faces, and watch them play and breathe. Alive. 

and then I am going to hug all my partners and be glad they are alive, and that I am the kind of person who puts their living lives at the top.

The definition of love as someone once said at a wedding.. is putting a partners needs ahead of your own wants - but striving for both - and trusting they will do the same - to the best of their ability

I get to like who I am. I get to trust that when it's hard I will still put people ahead of nebulous concepts like savings.. or future IVF.

But right now, it just plain sucks that the choice had to be made. I just need to be sad, cry it out and then get back up tomorrow, go on a new hunt and start again.