Crash landing end of 2017 - Resting and Restarting for 2018

To those of you who have been along for the journey and the struggle Nathan and i have been riding the last several months, you guys already know some/most of this - this is  follow up - for friends and clients who aren't as close in geographically  or who don't have as deep of an understanding...

We are almost one week off his add meds now (the ones that were golden for the first 1-2 month until swing shift, car accident, still having to get up @ 7 am, usual october cold/plague, pups passing, pumpkin passing, general winter ugg, lack of exercise, not eating at home for like 6 months ….. On top of whatever the original actual thing is ) .doc has said off all meds for now - but called in a scrip that we can try if we need/want .so we don't have to go through insurance loops later to get it - follow up doc on valentines day .. hmmm.. sounds like fun?

Many of you know most of this already - this is the update I have put together for people who are asking - any people who are in the know but have had gaps in the talking  

I am still working with trying to help people understand what we are working on... It's a daily work in progress and hoses breaking and internet going down slowed me a bit... but I have finally had a chance to get out a few comms to people: so you don't need to do anything with this - it's just for you to be included in the process :)-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Hello hello

We are  in the darkest before dawn stage I think .... been playing utility roulette all morning and just managed to get the cell phones and the internet working AT THE SAME TIME! lol...

it's been crazy - but is heading toward healthier crazy if that makes any kind of sense -I have missed a ton of work and revenue with the intensity of nathan's health issues - AND we have crested, now I am just putting out fires and trying to keep the lites on - literally

we did see nathan's doctor and he is taking him off the meds, and has stated no work , no responsibilities for about 6 weeks - just sleep, rest , reset , learn how to eat again (a side effect of the medication he was on is medication based aneoxeria .. which was part of what was leading to the fugue state, hallucination-ish stuff for him) he literally needs to sleep and rest enough to rebuild some muscle and reset biorythems

we are spending tonight proper at a social gathering, but otherwise now that the house chores have been backed down to manageable will literally be practicing eating and sleeping skills and getting physical and mental strength back (for both of us)

I am for a SHORT while mostly house-bound while he gets his bearings back, gets some further testing, gets set up with food stamps and such... since he can't work outside the house and isn't solid enough to be left alone taking care of pups - I can leave the house for 1-3 hours at a time but no full days for me for a while

We are having to look at some hard stuff, namely that with this medicine not working nathan is highly likely to be unable to work full time or take care of pups in the way in which we thought our life would be structured... - maybe for a few weeks/months and maybe permanently

this doesn't mean less love, or that he won't be able to parent, but it extremely changes the way in which we thought our life would be organized - someday - if you are interested I will tell you about how I nearly died once with my second husband's mental break and how I started over and rebuilt from nothing... and how I know it can be done, I just wasn't ready to be doing it again ... and it's harder in a way when the person who you thought would be equal partner isn't able to EVEN thought they very much want to.

It is so important to me that people understand - this isn’t a “marital” issue or a boy-girl difference of things, or that we are fighting about normal stuff - this is an actual bonafide health - neurons not dend-right-ing thing.

This isn’t a will power thing, or a man up thing or a he is just young thing …. And person’s who think its a “pull up by the boot straps issue” are likely to encounter that ann who “goes all ann on who treat people unjustly”... this is NOT him not trying and it IS real shit and I am not just bossing him around.

There have been REAL safety issues, real scary things, real inabilities to care for himself or dependant things and sleep would help but it is NOT the underlying problem and WE really need people to not reinvent the wheel on that.

Something is not right and we still don’t know exactly what that not right and we are trying like hell to figure it out. We don’t know if it’s the a.d.d or the family history of potential for schizophrenia is onsetting. And it is scary as FUCK.

It doesn’t show on regular facebook - it isn’t going to get posted on main pages - and it’s hard to know - we have taken a lot of hits - with literal car accidents, puppy loss grief and the concentration issue that were already there  - it’s been scary and isolating and we have reached out for help with some people able to hear us and other people just confused as fu-k and other people thinking he just needs to “try harder”. And of course, through much of this I look like a raving bitch because people don’t see the whole thing - which hurts like well, hurts like a b--tch but I can’t fix that.

Either we will figure this out and someday I will be able to sit down and explain to people what this last few months has been like… well, mostly last few months - been gradually getting weird 2-3 years but this last few months the balance shifted to really scary and wtf am I going to do and is this really my life and will this ever get better and I AM NOT trained for this level of … this - or people will think I randomly flipped out and I can’t change that.

The easiest way to explain it is that I am essentially a one income household with five new fuzzyies when i was not expecting to be. lt is unclear if nathan will be able to go back to school full time or at all... I am working on ways to try to explain to people in my world that although it looks like a two person household and that before we always viewed ourselves a an integrated financial structure (I just did the external income sourcing and hunting for the pack) that with the recent changes and challenges in his neuro-chemistry I am essentially single financially with an adult dependent with whom I have just had new babies (five puppies) with. This wasn't what we were picturing.

so the challenge for me, is to figure out how I am going to do all this sustain-ably and still be able to work at my out of house day job

and how to keep the bills paid coming just out of the fall down from my health last year - no buffer - no savings - and in an ideal world I would stay home with him for the next 1-2 weeks - or pay someone to shadow him til he stabilizes

the dangerous part I believe is over.... the meds are through his system (out of) and the flash anger and scary stuff is almost completely dissipated... I am settling in for the long haul and the rebuild and we are spending the next couple days trying to figure out how to remain and regain the kindness and gentleness that was ever present before these meds and sleep dep, and not eating changed his verbal patterning

We are seeing the doctors, we are doing the things, we are reaching out for the helps

Ann will be getting into a counselor to repair the damage done during the fugue states and the not rememberings (it’s really hard to unhear things that were said aloud even when the other party doesn’t remember saying them) and will be doing a lot of massage gettings, finding every hot tub in known existence and working on figuring out how to un hear the things that were said that weren’t “really” said.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through other than when jim nearly killed me and it’s going to take a LOT to getting back to the poly-Ann-a ann. Right now every hour is me having to remember I used to have faith in kindness and loving ness and remember that this experience is NOT who nathan is and the me it’s forced me to be isn’t the ME I really am underneath it. It’s hard because I am still having to steer so damn hard to keep the ship pointed the right direction. I am tired, I am beyond burnt out, I am heart sore, I am sad and scared and lonely and there isn’t anybody older, stronger, been through it more -er who can give me clear ideas on how to navigate this.

We are starting with sleep. Eat, sleep, pups care, repeat.

We are working to regain kindness, laughter and love.

If that doesn’t work I am buying him a carton of cigarettes rofl. And yep, there’s a good story behind that.