Shooting the messenger.... on letting go of facebook messenger threads..................

March 30, 2019

Dear person who has been a partner in my life for 15 ish years and now has me stuck on the ear worm "somebody that i used to know" (yes, meant as humor),

In response to your question about how I am communicating now,

What works for me is adult communication.

You pulling off threads on facebook messenger unilaterally after having spent the last couple years asking for topics to be divided into threads is what I just don't have patience for.

No one but you is having trouble reaching me in any format that makes sense.

People reach out normally and I respond normally

Messenger isn't real - its a back up system - people communicated long before that existed - you will find me to be as normal as you reach out normally.

if it makes sense to call, call  you know the number,

I have voicemail too - my greeting is still hilarious

holy sholy wilderness, the pack house still has a landline for the kennel even

if it makes sense to email use email

I still have text -  text if if doesn't get misused

snail mail works you know the po box # by heart

if it's conversation better in person do it in person

I am perfectly schedulable with with communication

you know where the house and the tools are

I don't keep people from their things

nothing has changed except I am not of a mind to play games with virtual temper tantrums

What I won't do (now, it's Meatloaf ear-worming) is play in a virtual circus of messenger where people just randomly slam doors mid conversation or treat those threads as if they are the actual substance of communication.

Messenger and apps like it are tools but it seems like the last few years people have forgotten that.

It's not just you, but this thing with you lately esp since my birthday - I just do not have the time and patience to play games or to interact with those who want to do this smoke and mirrors thing.

I did after my birthday think I would come back to "threads," but when it came down to it the stress of it and the wondering what threads would be there when and if you were going to just ghost out or unilateral was more than I can deal with right now so I have switched that off

I don't want to live in that gut punch sensation of every time I turn on my computer wondering what's going to have shifted or be deleted so it's best to just best offensively get rid of the thing instead of lose sleep. Now, I know I won't wake up to see threads disappearing and that gut punch pain isn't there.

I know I am not the only human having dealt with this type of thing but doesn't make it hurt less when on the receiving end.

There is a certain kind of sickly painful world spinning heart tearing pain that comes from opening up a messenger thread and seeing those unexpected words…. “Left the conversation”.................... No stickers, no waves, no warning ……...

You aren't blocked IRL, I am just not social media-ing with you for communication of substance

I am going through some really real stuff - real time in my actual body and I can't be playing chase me games or wondering if I am going to invest time and energy into communications just to have someone randomly leave a conversation.  My entire life right now revolves around me figuring out my health stuff and how i am going to support my self financially. I need my mental and emotional energy for this and just have no patience for diversions or anything other than people communicating in a helpful way, or at least not taking my energy.

I would rather not engage on social media and cut all my losses than have to feel i am dealing with teenagers slamming doors and huffing off

When messenger started becoming a thing, it seemed like a GREAT thing, what a way to keep things clear, business stuff in business threads, chit chat in others, places that were safe for just funny things, places to look easily for logistical info. I saw so much possibility and so many ways to share so many things.

When you (and other people in other situations) started leaving those threads of conversations we had built for specific purposes, without closure, without saying good bye, without seeing if there was anything I needed to wrap up or where to go if something came up later - just BOOM! "*name*" has left the conversation!  I really lost a degree of respect for you as an adult I didn't think possible.

I don't have the physical stamina to deal with it now.  Those quiet little greyed out words are like being hit in the chest; no warning. no recourse, no way to heal or get unconfused.

So, to communicate with me, just be normal, like before facebook normal communication when people used formats that worked and didn't slam virtual doors and think that was okay.

It really isn’t “ok” to just slam a human and then peace-out without making sure they are okay too.

I really really don't know where people lost it on this but something is radically wrong with a world where people do things like that that to a person - THERE is a PERSON on the other end of a conversation even if its on a screen.

I grew up in the 70s and in that world theoretically a person would never do that in real life - like just slam door and walk out, end convo, no chance for other person to respond, no closure, just f-you. I just don't have time for that behavior in my world.  

It is decidedly unappealing on a 30+ year old man  and again, I thought maybe I could reset but I just don't respect that behavior and won't play that/those games.

Way before faceboook or myspace I had encountered people who played phone games, games with voice mail and screening and controlling info and basically just being shits and hiding behind partial comms or poor comms and i made myself a promise I would never live with people like that in my world.

It just took these evaporating conversations that had been months or years standing the other day to realize this is the modern version of that. I am still a no to phone games, just no, not in my world.

Life is for living in the real world and facebook is for me for social meme-ing not meaningful communication.

Communication isn't really communication when it's that fragile and weird: secret convos, disappearing convos like mission impossible, muted convos, people can see that you written but  shows not read, oh look its on my screen but they can't really see me, in cognito, ghosting, deleting, ... and it goes on and on and on and it's all not real.

If you want to interact with me, just communicate normal, In the real world.

I exist in the real world, you can find me there.

Love, Ann Marie  an embodied in a disembodied timeline human.