Detoxifying Transparently - Ann's health blupdate 4/17/2017

Okay -

I am finally where I can type and see and can swallow and almost talk a little bit. Today’s thing is a major cluster fudge of stuff all combined. My body is still healing and processing all the cortisol remnants, thus the fluid pockets and puff and unpuff -

I am doing better, but today it sure doesn’t feel like it - the last few days before sunday I pushed hard - to keep integrity around money and to try to heal client relationships and make up sessions that have been missed, and try to get the resources to fix the toilets, car and play utility roulette … all very important things and still not out of the woods on any of them

Today with all of this I have been trying to figure out how to explain to people that it isn’t a matter of me wanting to take care of myself - or wanting to work and get money sorted out - it's more like a graphic equalizer of integrity - and i am looking for the balance but shit keeps breaking and I keep having to figure out how to pay for stuff that wasn’t on the agenda and it’s stuff that keeps nathan house bound or keeps us in one car when we need two - and if I don’t work can’t fix car - or toilets - so I bump up that part of the equalizer

I pushed hard and balanced for that for last week - through late saturday nite - all important things, all things that matter for the household

I needed sunday to be a downtime day - and thought I had one to land on

I had the chance on sat afternoon to get a Wonderful massage - very specific and gentle and needed lymphatic work - this type of work is a powerful powerful detox for the body and it requires time to process. Meaning sunday needed to be just sleep, walks, massage follow up and good food - self care

When I got up sunday - after being basically a ghost and not home for most of last week - all the things that hadn’t gotten done, from me being out late, from only having one car, from nathan running long hours at the house, from nathan having to carpool and being out of the house as well as some things that I thought were done and weren’t and the communication hadn’t come through and some time management things - all of these things combined to hit me in the face, AFTER we had slept in a bit, after I already had had the detox lymph work the day before.

I got up to a huge ass mountain of stuff that there was no way for even two people to get done before monday started a new week and we started back to figuring out how to fix the car, leaving me facing another week of one car as well as the stress around money and the stress around the house itself… i had been so tired all week that when I got home and saw the dishes (usually no big deal) I had been stressed to tears, then I went outside and then I saw the house stuff and then I remembered the projects like the clearing the kitchen counter, out door puppy yard stuff… and it all magnified.

I had already tried to do a “nice’ and give nathan a morning to sleep and wake naturally thinking we would just go for walks, maybe go to the ocean with argo’s family for easter, chillax…

And then there was the mountain

And then the anxiety and stress for nathan around the house hold stuff kicked in and we got crosswise

All the self care time melted and i dug in and started trying to get stuff caught up for monday (today) and just taking the top of the pile off enough to try to be ready for today - I started moving @ 8 am and didn’t sit down until I think 5:30 pm.  

This means the things I needed to do to take out the skin pain, the grucky feeling of the crap trying to get out of my tissue, the energy drain after that work didn’t happen.

I wanted to not say anything about the getting crosswise with nathan - but if i don’t explain it - and how it impacted my health - it’s not a complete picture.

If I had been able to sit down @ 6 and just rest, I probably still would have cleared being able to function today - but we got crosswise and we stayed crosswise and there were tears and yelling and stress and emotional turmoil on and off til literally 1 or 2 - can’t remember.

My throat was already sore enough before the arguments (second worst we have ever had - the first being the nite I needed to get to the ER and couldn’t wake nathan) to have sent him out for ice cream - my lymph nodes were already backed up and swollen before the added stress - stress which both dumps cortisol into my system and depletes the reserves all at the same time …. So then I was exhausted, and in full fite or flite mode.

Nathan and I have been processing the loss of a significant relationship in our world - all the grief, stress, reconfiguring and loss-essing and we haven’t had any down time to just be sad about it. We have been trying to get a day off since we left for winter vacation and haven’t had an actual day off since then - with being sick, the break up thing, facing all the debt from being sick, cars breaking, wells breaking, toilets breaking …. Neither of us has had the emotional reserves to really be there for each other - and we haven’t really talked to people about it partly cause time and partly cause highly damaged trust … and not enough time or sleep to track.

So last nite everything blew up

And for general info - yelling when your throat is already raw and swollen isn’t good. Arguing with a headache and full body and skin aches isn’t good.

Being afraid that this relationship was going to implode with everything else - it’s not exactly self care.

Its embarrassing to even say we are dealing with this. Right now, I don’t want to be vulnerable or open about my relationships to anyone. I want to heal first and do the hiding wolf thing.

But if I give people half the picture it isn’t really going to ring true about what happened.

All of this is true and part of it - if either the body hadn’t been and needing processed, or the money and projects and car and tangible stresses hadn’t been there, OR the relationship stuff with loss of one and stress of the other hadn’t been so… dynamic, I could have made another push today.

I feel like a total failure - for not being able to figure out how to prioritise better and “get it right” and balance the types of integrity  -

I hate that the house is still messy when I had time planned for winter to get through it

I hate that the car not fixed means nathan doesn’t have the choice to get out to work yet

I hate that I had so much illness that I owe everybody money and can’t even see the end of it

I hate letting people down

I am tired, I need rest and even though people genuinely want to help - there isn’t a way to get the help we need.

So much of this is “us” stuff.

I only need 2-3 days of both me and nathan awake at the same time to get the house done so people will stop giving me shit about the state it’s in (and yes, it really hurts my feelings when people tease me about that) We need time to just be sad about the relationship changes/end with our other partners. We have just a couple more projects that we need to do.

Nathan hasn’t cranked up a gaming recreation since winthrop - and that ran slow and crashed

We haven’t had a day in packwood that wasn’t just race up and back and triage since before winthrop

We haven’t had a real sleep in day that wasn’t we were too sick to move since before winthrop

Neither of us can remember the last time we even attempted to have sex or even mostly conscious cuddle time  - sometime before we left for vacation

We need rest and we can’t afford to take it and neither of us have the emotional resources to stabilize the other.

And yesterday it just all blew up.

Everybody keeps telling me to take it ez and rest and I WANT to, need to….. But first we need to move this mountain.

We are trying

I am trying

Today I am just now sitting down after getting up and doing puppy mommy thing and trying to get my throat working. And will be finding a nice hot bath to crawl into and a nap and nathan and I are trying to heal all the owch from last nite.

And tomorrow I will get up and do walks, and hydrate and figure out balance of self care and work and keeping my commitments to people.

And then I will get back up and go back to work and find a way to feed my pack and fix the things so we at least have plumbing and utilities.

And then I will pull on my ‘resilience” panties and Cow-gurl up and get people paid back.

This is a real physical thing, I am not hiding, it’s just a lot of complex things that created the real physical pain and fatigue.

We really need people to just be kind and not bossy - just gentle. When people tell us to just relax - when we actually can’t implement it - it makes it harder when that's the exact opposite of what people intend. We hear the intention, we just can’t get there from here yet. We aren’t being stubborn we are trying to juggle too much.

We need sleep

We need gentleness

I think we are going to take tomorrow and wed and get the things done that we need to do here. It's just really hard to do that without feeling like we are flakes. We can’t afford the time but we can’t afford not to.

Now, nap, short errands, and comfort food dinner.

Then baths, walks, and massage tomorrow.