Baseline

What it took to get baseline:



Prednisone no matter what - I decided I would take enough to breathe even though I didn’t know why (I know now) for as long as it took no matter what else it did to my body.


Trust my gut (deciding to) no matter what - and do it all if not sure it was done (dog care) and all the things that just seemed off.


Deciding NOT to wait for evidence but trust my gut, and let evidence fall into place.


Give up my walks and routine self care until house and dog care caught up and til I figured out what was going on or got it all done


Hold ground no matter how much pred and coffee it took to stay awake longer and later


Give up caring what people think about how controlling and bitchy I look while I rooted out the lies


Going “on strike” and saying I will not pay for anything else for anyone else until I figure out where my money is going, who is lying and why the house and dog yards aren’t looking like someone is here full time taking care of them.


KEEP standing up and saying NO I will not be treated that way


Standing up to someone(s) I love - looking them straight in the eye and saying “you are lying”


Being ready to walk away or live alone if I couldn’t get them through the anger or find out what’s under it


Saying NO, I still won’t accept that treatment


Being willing to be a complete and TOTAL bitch and literally follow another adult around until I found the lies. Like physically. AND have people I love and care about think I am the asshole.



Being insistent that he “turn out his pockets” til I found the money leaks from my accounts, his accounts, pocket change … xtra accounts for entertainment, data overruns, charges for cigarettes, and recreational things that I don’t get to buy for myself (I don't want cigarettes, but maybe some earrings or something just for me). Literally saying if you don’t show me your bank statement you are not using any more “joint” i.e. my money.



Literally having to tell another adult that if they leave the room without showing me what they are palming that I will not continue to share space with them…. Pre intervention level confrontation.


Going round and round for 2-3 years with “this would be a good time to tell the truth and let’s just talk it out” - this is a get out of jail free card - just tell me now ….




Having no external /objective way to know I am not the crazy one except for the gut feelings and having to try to keep my head on at all until I decided I just wouldn’t live in a world /home where I felt I had to do these things… even if I was wrong that I wasn't going to keep losing myself - that either way it was not worth the cost - either he really was lying and I wasn’t ever going to be ok with it, or I really had lost my shit mentaly and he should not have to live with my lost shit. After I got to that the lies came out and we got them out into daylight - but it took me getting to that point first.



Being willing to have people accuse me of being controlling for taking my own resources out of play when they were used against my wishes, for lying or cheating, or stealing. As in my car, the phone line I pay for … knowing that people are reading down the list of “how to know if someone is abusing you” and that the list looks pretty damn similar to what it looks like to take back your own stuff from someone who is manipulating and using you. (i.e. someone monitoring another adult and controlling the money and resources)




Asking friends and family for help for over two years and having no one else know HOW to help trying to step out of parenting role and every time I did things got weirder and worser … but no one else knew how to step in or where AND no one wanted to step in it … cause it’s messy and ugly.




Having to let go of the idea that usually applies to adult relationships that if I got out of the way and let him step into the role that he would find a rhythm and that things would be ok. That thing where you go away for the weekend and know your husband won’t vacuum the way you do but the kids will be fed and the house won’t actually burn down. I had to let that go and realize the kids might not get fed and that house really might burn down and even though I didn’t want to think it and other people thought I was just being uptight that I had to listen to that blaring siren in my gut/brain that says damn it, the house is on fire stop trying to wish your way through it and get the damn hose. And if the hose won’t reach call the fire department.




Literally facing him down with take a polygraph or leave about the cigs




And security cameras. And a go pro. And the statement if any of this technology goes down I am coming home.

And stating that there are cameras that no one but me knows about.

Yes, really.




Being willing to do it all. All 21 pups. The whole property and house. All the money making. All the bills. Be alone emotionally. Being willing to do that permanently if that’s what it took to make the house safe.




To every day for months to get up and face this with this intensity


So much brain power

So much medicine

So little sleep


THE sheer amount of mental and physical energy it has taken to get to the root of these things has worn me down to bare bones emotionally.


BUT/AND I think we are finally at baseline. Finally no more lies.

Baseline.


Reset.


Rest.