One step at a time.... monday's are complicted....

Good morning monday,

Monday’s are complicated… aren’t they?

I think aunt flo is finally  going away - after 3 days of crankiness - or today will be the hardest day this cycle and I just have a couple hours off - or she just gave me 5 mins to get up and pee lol- this was a record @ 120 days tween cycles - at 365 they consider it true menopause.  - I am unsure yet which way to day she's going to run with things, at least the incubator is still up and running in case I win the IVF lotta and can “buy fresh eggs” as my ivf doc. suggested a few years ago. This is hard because I could have done IVF 2 rounds over if I hadn’t been trying to support other people’s goals, and it’s part of why finding out after the fact about things being different than I knew is hitting so hard. I had like two other chances @ this if I had known how things were going to pan out, and I banked on other people’s dreams and them following through on their words. Now, I won’t be able, even working full speed, even with no more bumps to clear the amount of money needed to go another round, unless something totally unforeseen drops into my lap or the entire health care system reboots. Much of my working hard, staying healthy was on that long shot chance of one more run of IVF. I am trying to look at the positive of the uterusss still uter-ing but it’s hard. The preggers thing was a thing for me and I missed my curve on that financially. When you think you are keeping your body healthy to support another life it’s much easier to keep the motivation up.

We are starting the second week of class, and working on trying to get my brain up and running - the mixology class which is totally in the way and time we , well I don’t have, AND probably saving our relationship and our sanity. Its given us a focal point totally different than our old household roles and a place we can be in the same zone together - both students, vs. me being “in charge” or any other power dynamic. We needed a break from those roles so badly and the class is interesting to both of us, was a bucket list item for me, and something Nathan wanted to do all on his own idea AND that one or both of us will be able to make money at.

We have class this week, rebooting business schedule for me, counseling this evening for us, and of course puppy care.

I am  still trying to remember who I am and who I was before all this info came out and how to find my way back to the goals I had, or figure out new ones, lost and trying to figure our where/how to start.

Everything in my bedrock of what I thought our goals and work towardesess has been shaken. Every relationship I have had with every one friend or family has been affected by the undercurrent before Nathan found his voice and spoke his truth to me and is now speaking to others. He has a lot to get through and is doing it. I am on a slight time lag, as the info is just hitting , like slo motion. Nothing I thought was real is real since about 4 years ago for sure, different exact timings for different things. I feel like my brain has gone through a gremlin blender. So many lies and so much pain and stress - me now as it hits, him this whole time carrying it.

I think Nathan and I have hit baseline in terms of new info coming up about house stuff and stuff between us - as in no more current lies, but roller coaster is still intense and I am still disorientated - yesterday Nathan didn't have any mood swings that weren't talk through able- I think we have found the nicotine level and talking pattern that will allow us to navigate stressful info and keep not crosswise - but it got a little egg shellee walking on the day before.

But life still doesn't feel quite real, like I've lost 8-15 years looking back with this and the other relationship shift and  the last month has been sort of a state of shock, maybe almost 2 months, and I am having trouble reconnecting with any of my physical goals.

Today is mid term test for mixology and surviving cramps and seeing if I can get back to career mode and remember why I used to do the walks. A couple more days of no verbal squiffs here at the homestead and less cramps and I am hoping to perk back up.

Cheerleaders welcome, reminders about my health goals welcome. I seem to have lost my sparkle and am having trouble remembering where I put it.

Everything I thought I was working towards has been dented and I am really really having difficulty getting the ummmph back to get back up. this week , this last week having no new info come in and no more breach of integrity at the house is giving me like pre stamina if that things will just hold still and no more "new" old stuff come up maybe I can find my way back to normal health goals, like walking. I can't even remember why I was trying to get off the prednisone, and why i was trying to stay in shape muscle wise, and walk wise.

Kona does think we should resume walking as soon as her neck owch heals a tiny bit more.  

I think I will pull through this, it's like a weird depression thing about the smoking behind my back. I tried SO hard get better health wise, so hard to lower the prednisone, saw so many doctors, did so many things only to find out about the smoking. It's like somehow that pulled the plug out and I am trying to find the socket to put it back. again, cheerleaders welcome, I just gotta get my head around it being different now that I know what was going on.

I need to get up and get the body going, and look at today with fresh eyes.

Yesterday was painful emotionally, AND loving and good.

I am trying to get to that place of fresh start, new rhythm, back to the woman who was going to conquer that re do of the hike from mid 90’s, who was working on getting the physical house in order, who was going to rock this summer.

Again, cheerleading welcome. I need to remember who I was before the avalanche of old lies fell on my head.

I am a little/lot emotionally concussed but coming through I think. At least I can put words in writing to it this week, last week I couldn’t even do that part very well.

Okay- up and showering for class, one step at a time - literally.