Forgiveness (If I die first) 8/2013

After an interesting and thunderous long nite with sleep in blitses and many puppies on the bed huddle near me, and an amazing day at "work" yesterday surrounded by people who are doing such brave things.. I feel I need to write this.

8/2013




IF I die first, for any reason, before any of you reading this...

After an interesting and thunderous long nite with sleep in blitses and many puppies on the bed huddle near me, and an amazing day at "work" yesterday surrounded by people who are doing such brave things.. I feel I need to write this.

Just know, that no matter what the thing or things were and was that you didn't get right, didn't clear up, didn't do all you wanted for, didn't say, or just plain did wrong.

All of those, are forgiven every nite .... and if anything was needing to be solved - from my point of view - we were either already working on it, or I had worked through it... just know that ...TRUST that, FEEL that... .

What I would want most in the world if I were to pass first, would be to leave behind people who are healthy and whole and healed as humanly possible... people who will pull together to support each other in my name, and who will keep the puppies safe and loved....

Grieve yes, sadness yes, be real time with everything that comes with losing a loved one...

but if I leave people behind in doubt, then I will have failed....

I am healthy today - I have no plans on leaving this world any time soon... but if ever that happens...

If you are in my world, and something need(ed) forgiving, you would have heard from me ... real time - never doubt that...

but if you do - read this

I forgive you for anything you haven't forgiven yourself for...both the known and unknown things... the ones never voiced, never caught, never glimpsed, the ones that are felt underneath but can't be proven, the silly ones, the superficial ones and the ones that took years to recover from.... the toe steppings to the heart shattering.

please, forgive yourself for anything lingering and let's live in the current in real time.

Life can change or end suddenly - let's really live it, and If I leave first.... you live knowing all is well, and clear and healed. There is nothing to hang on to, or regret.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2.26.26 Relationship Paradigm

       My Relationship Paradigm Originated 2007, Re-Written and spoken at the pack commitment ceremony June 19, 2010, Updated 2013 & 2015, 2018  March 20, 2019:  first day of my last year of my “first 50 years free”  test drive  June  20, 2020 during stay @ home. Now February 26, 2026. …. after the “major fall and the minor shift” in the world and the pack. From a home of 10 at fullest, to “2 izza pack” from 2019 to a household of 3 for the wheelchair year 2022 and back to Nathan and I in July  2024  "One of the cores of our relationship as the "TamarackPolyPack" is the stand I invented for myself and began living in 2007. It has evolved and will continue to deepen and broaden. This has become the foundation of our lives and the trunk from which the branches of my primary relationships are nourished. This stand, this fundamental paradigm is the structure and solidity from which I commit my life to my partners and to the practice...
Read more

If I die first...... 2026 version

February 26,  2026 The post xolaire version… Life is different on this side It’s been a while since I posted this. I used to do this every year on facebook and send copies to people I cared about. I don’t know when I stopped, sometime during the pandemic.  It’s interesting I stopped posting it before the first round of heart failure (that I knew of) … but posted before I got sick. Before 2022? When I literally bought and prepaid and planned my own funeral.  I found it, the most recent version! I reworked it last in 2020 for a class….. As a poem. Somewhere, I stopped writing, somewhere with the med changes and the heart failure… maybe I was too close to death to honestly send this…..  This time, I am not on facebook any longer… the politics of Meta… so no posting…. So I will be sending this directly to loved ones And printing copies to put with my estate documents…. If any one has to ever write an obituary, maybe there is something here…. This and that I could grow a ...
Read more

Trying to Try

  I am in bed Doing my stretches and feet circles and leg wiggles in bed trying to get the strength to roll to stand to get my brace to take the pressure off to move to get to the bathroom.  And I am wondering if I want to fully get up again.   I was so excited to be better and getting betterere before the cruise in march. I rallied, I pulled  and I was doing so well.    Then this crash after crash after crash and I just don’t know if I have it in me to get all the way up.  What if I get up and this happens again? I am so tired.  I was so happy to be back at work and doing more around the house and getting ready to go for  walks and hikes and dancing again. And then it all went away.    Again.    I think two big things (years)  like this too close together is making it hard to believe there will be a pot of "good"  (span of time of wellness) at the top of this mountain. I keep hitting shame and guilt for being kn...
Read more