Go and Hide Your Crazy - not....flashbacks to 11/18/2019......... (line stolen from not my mama's broken heart)

So, yes  to address the crazy nov 18th

So yes, there have been the things that are the crazy lookings or beings and as I am being gas-lite and gossiped about behind the scenes, and in private and to people I can't directly address because.... that type of gossip.... I don't have a way to speak for myself directly in the web of communications as it stands

So here is the best sideways communication and maybe the people who need to see it do

I can figure out it out from there with anyone who wants more info

Did I flip out on Nov. and behave in a totally not healthy way?

YUP

Do the why's matter? I really don't know.

Did I do things out of character and that I wish were different? Yup.

But here is the what I do know:


I was super sick and planning to drive the "boys" (rescue Rosie's baby boys to Idaho to their forever home)

Nathan wasn't keen on a road trip and had said no so I arranged with our other (at the time part time live in partner)

Other was willing to drive and the 3 of were going to rally in packwood at the rv for an evening before my super up early like 4 am? drive over highway 12 to twin falls - hella cold - ice roads - scary

I was beyond sick and needed to be powering down meds

Nathan was late getting from Graham to packwood and the nite got too long and too short and even if I hadn't been sick it was brutal timing

Nathan was not originally going to go on the drive but was going to spend the evening at the camper with us before the drive then putter on back down to graham to take care of dogs

this is before I knew about the affair

I don't know exactly what happened or what was said - I really don't remember but something was wrong/off feeling... something scared me... something went totally off board

I knew something was wrong and something tripped my panic switch

I couldn't relax and let Nathan not come on the drive
I didn't want to go with other and leave Nathan with whatever the weird was
I was sick and tired and sleep deprived and had a full on panic attack and told Nathan he had to come

I was not gentle or choice giving
Nathan was furious - I had changed the agreement with no notice
other was mad that I was having a fight with Nathan
every one was mad and every time I tried to talk to Nathan, other talked over me
all 3 of us were raised voices and stupid
every time I tried to ask Nathan something directly I was interrupted.
Every time I tried to voice that something had changed and we would sort it out on the drive I was interrupted.

it was car screeching to a halt - on the side of highway 12 partway to white pass already -  trapped - all fighting

I some how figured out that this was going to go even worse bad and that we were all more likely to come out of this alive if we decelerated



Other stopped the car, Nathan got out of the car after demanding to be let out (frezzing cold)


We "turned this car around right" Nathan got back in out of the freeze, and we drove back to rv, and put them both out at packwood at the mama ship and drove off leaving them mad but with the other car

then I took an ungodly amount of prednisone to breathe and drove the pups myself

it was bad. it was really bad. I was mean and bossy and I really didn't care if Nathan wanted to go at the time, and I didn't know why. I just wanted the fear to stop. I just knew something was severely fucked up and couldn't-figure it out.

AND when it came down to it I knew those puppies needed to get to Idaho

it was one of the stupidest driving by myself things I have ever done

and the part with other never recovered

and the part with Nathan is now healing now that I know what the lying was

Other had been misdirecting me for months - pointing out the lies he saw - telling me it wasn't safe to leave Nathan with the pups - that it was my fault the patterns were continuing, that the dog care and the constant strife at the house would get better if I just kicked Nathan out and was done with it, that Nathan was smoking ciggies again (which he wasn't) all of this while NOT mentioning the REAL underlying issue which was the multiyear affair of which other was a part .....

so much smoke screen

so much utter fatigue and fear and just knowing something wasn't okay but not what

only that I wanted the fear to stop

instead i drove through the fear, alone, and literally barely made it home on that drive

its in one of the top 3 scariest ones I have ever done
(the other two were getting argo's dad's motorcycle over ice and driving to Sarah's graduation in Pullman over ice, with #4 the Vegas drive with Nathan and Jeff last winter.)

so, will I face my bad behavior? YES.

was it usual. no.

did I yell and be crazy - yup.

am I doing it now that I know what was going on? nope.

did I , when it came down to it actually force Nathan to stay in the car? nope?

did I inconvenience other who thought he was going on the drive when I kicked him to the curb instead. yup.

was it the best choice ? yup. the fighting we would have done on that drive would have blown things up even worse

has it (relationship and communication with other) ever recovered? nope

will it - unlikely as other does not see that the lying he was covering the smoke screening, the divide and conquer about the affair WAS the underlying issue

status currently: he is using this as an example of a pattern of behavior by me to coerce Nathan.

other is armchair diagnosis me with NPD and BPD

other told me to get help and see someone - uhhh, duh, already on it

if you put a sane person in an insane situation with lying and constantly changing shifting Escher staircase agreements, then tell them their other partner is lying about everything while all the while holding the cards KNOWING what is or isn't happening... it looks a lot like crazy.

a Miranda country song.... its that kind of crazy

but at the end of the day

I about killed myself with the meds to do it but puppies got to their home

the affair has come out and 2 of the 3 of us are cleaning it up and healing
I have talked to the counselor and we asked if I needed to be assessed

counselor says: sounds like she is healing from trauma related to the experiences.

I am totally willing to answer questions about my part of this privately or publicly.

it was ugly and I never want to go through anything like that again

this is part of the renewed no lying in my house and if I even have the gut feeling i trust my gut instead of going crazy first policy.

no more lies = no more crazy paranoid behavior by me.

simple, not easy.