Getting back up and out

the biggest thing about getting back up, really getting back up is figuring out how to communicate when people respond to the "good" stuff, the lite stuff and really feel supportive but the silence that happens when the ugly not so good stuff comes up... I am still, always trying to just be be, just share as I would share in person ... but even I find myself silenced by the awkwards... people don't really seem to know how to be or what to do or say - and I end up left feeling lonelier.. I have been trying to break out of some pretty heavy toxic crap for 2/3 years now.. and starting to reach out and then being shut down for sounding negative or complaining... so getting back up and trying again, alone... or arguing with the people that the patterns were locked in with... and then getting tired

I need all those people who post the memes about not being silenced to recognize that this is one of these things they post about - NOW is when someone is trying to reach out and not be one of those women who didn't speak

or people trying to remind me of the good- it doesn't really help when people try to out Pollyanna a usually strong Pollyanna

I know there is good - I just don't think it applies to my situation - or didn't yesterday - I love the world, I love the pups, I love people, I just couldn't see beyond my limitations at protecting and providing for my people - I never once felt that they not that they are worth living for - only that I couldn't fulfill my stated role in their worlds

I couldn't find my financial value fast enough - I know that given two weeks of screaming in the hills, journaling, breathing mountain air, petting puppies and experiencing Nathan Cole's new found commitment to positive change and his amazing counselor that I will be in a good place - but I couldn't see how to get there fast enough

yesterday I had a really long talk with my pragmatic side and it looked a lot like the life insurance was more valid an option then me keeping getting back up.

yesterday I was really feeling that after being sick and now needing a couple weeks mental health break on top of it, that I can't afford after the bronchitis and the angieogram and people all being helped out that I have failed to provide and failed to protect my household

I need two weeks off to just go fucking irresponsibly nuts and I don't have it.

yesterday I need to be ugly and not immediately take the hi road I needed to voice self blame and self doubt and just be in the ick and go dragonguanocrazy scorched earth - and not pretend to be nice... I need to be that part of the range that I very rarely go to.

and have nathan still look at me like I wasn't scary as shit

some how we got through it
I really don't know how

and Patrick Colvin having offered to take us out to drinks anchored us. we wouldn't have cleared it last nite without that. when I said I need to go all danerys and just be a raging bitch beast, he said ok and got us rum.

I will need the love and lite again and I am NOT saying don't send it - AND I also need to be the raging bitch beast who can say vengeful hateful things for a while both self blaming and slapping a couple people with the shit I have been carrying for them

I don't usually run this end of the spectrum but its going to be this way for a couple weeks

if you don't want to be on this part, I request you mute me instead of delete me - the other part will be back - but this stuff needs to come through real time first or everything else is just bs.

likely much will be blog form instead of these long ass status updates.

probably related article and research some short bleh rants some memes some pix and probably lots of good stuff still mixed in.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2.26.26 Relationship Paradigm

       My Relationship Paradigm Originated 2007, Re-Written and spoken at the pack commitment ceremony June 19, 2010, Updated 2013 & 2015, 2018  March 20, 2019:  first day of my last year of my “first 50 years free”  test drive  June  20, 2020 during stay @ home. Now February 26, 2026. …. after the “major fall and the minor shift” in the world and the pack. From a home of 10 at fullest, to “2 izza pack” from 2019 to a household of 3 for the wheelchair year 2022 and back to Nathan and I in July  2024  "One of the cores of our relationship as the "TamarackPolyPack" is the stand I invented for myself and began living in 2007. It has evolved and will continue to deepen and broaden. This has become the foundation of our lives and the trunk from which the branches of my primary relationships are nourished. This stand, this fundamental paradigm is the structure and solidity from which I commit my life to my partners and to the practice...
Read more

If I die first...... 2026 version

February 26,  2026 The post xolaire version… Life is different on this side It’s been a while since I posted this. I used to do this every year on facebook and send copies to people I cared about. I don’t know when I stopped, sometime during the pandemic.  It’s interesting I stopped posting it before the first round of heart failure (that I knew of) … but posted before I got sick. Before 2022? When I literally bought and prepaid and planned my own funeral.  I found it, the most recent version! I reworked it last in 2020 for a class….. As a poem. Somewhere, I stopped writing, somewhere with the med changes and the heart failure… maybe I was too close to death to honestly send this…..  This time, I am not on facebook any longer… the politics of Meta… so no posting…. So I will be sending this directly to loved ones And printing copies to put with my estate documents…. If any one has to ever write an obituary, maybe there is something here…. This and that I could grow a ...
Read more

Trying to Try

  I am in bed Doing my stretches and feet circles and leg wiggles in bed trying to get the strength to roll to stand to get my brace to take the pressure off to move to get to the bathroom.  And I am wondering if I want to fully get up again.   I was so excited to be better and getting betterere before the cruise in march. I rallied, I pulled  and I was doing so well.    Then this crash after crash after crash and I just don’t know if I have it in me to get all the way up.  What if I get up and this happens again? I am so tired.  I was so happy to be back at work and doing more around the house and getting ready to go for  walks and hikes and dancing again. And then it all went away.    Again.    I think two big things (years)  like this too close together is making it hard to believe there will be a pot of "good"  (span of time of wellness) at the top of this mountain. I keep hitting shame and guilt for being kn...
Read more