Tatoosh Closure May 2020





With being home and processing, so many things - so so so many thing are surfacing.


Things change every day. My heart can heart-ly keep up.


Tonight another thing healed deeper than I thought it ever would. Maybe that's one more nightmare theme gone.




I didn't think today would go this way, it's been a roller coaster. But this healed a thing from 2012 when my first ever pup Tatoosh died, and when there was stress and blame and anger and confusion and none of us knew what the hell to do and things festered.


When Tatoosh died, we were all so innocent. I, specifically had been told my whole life that animals just knew when it was time, that they just "went to sleep" I didn't know that the body and soul and mind don't always line up easily.


Tonight a big piece of that blame was lanced and drained and maybe now, for the first time since Jack's passing I can sleep with out that particular nightmare. There were things about Jack's physical conditions that had brought so much of this back. The sounds, the movements, the body positions.


Tatoosh's passing was tantra like magic - he died with me holding him and making the same eye contact he did the first day I held him @ 8 weeks old. We have photos of this moment and the love and trust shine through to his last breath.


But there were things earlier that day we didn't know how to handle, he had pain we didn't know we could have eased. The vet was closed by the time we understood we should call for the pink shot.


So we held him, in our living room, in our arms, with our whole people pack and his fuzzy children and mate in and out presenced with us as he worked toward leaving this plane.


So we held him, in our living room, in our arms, with our whole people pack and his fuzzy children and mate in and out presence with us as he worked toward leaving this plane. done so much differently.


AND people I love had splinters in their hearts towards each other for this when none of us knew better.


Tonight some of those splinters were taken out and can finally heal.


Thank you Nathan Cole and Tyler Todd for talking that through.

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