To leave the house......................

my goal for next week is to be able to leave the house to work facing the echo fears of being cheated on in my own home when I left for work.

the actual behavior stopped prob about a year ago ishy. but i just found out about it the last two weeks - the durations, frequency, partner details, how one was scared into keeping it secret for fear of losing everything we have built which led to anger and pain and fighting (verbal) and shut down and distance.

we have updated our relationship agreement so that the issue isn't an issue any more

but I am reeling from leaving the house, forcing myself to convince myself I was being paranoid, thinking I had a phobia when I had rational fear

I can't believe I didn't see it clearly and take action sooner

I feel stupid

I feel as if I have failed to protect my lover and my home

every time I try to get in the car to drive to work alone it hits

every time I try walk the dogs alone it hits

I startle awake at nite after having been soothed to sleep so the activity could continue - mini panic wake up attacks until I realize he isn't in the house any more and the gate is locked and Nathan Cole soothes me to sleep, real actual safe sleep

regardless of if people agree with how the agreement was set up at the time (not "playing" without the other partner present") that was the agreement at the time, and should have been renegotiated before it was changed

I was lied to

in my home

in my bed

for 2/3 years

and still kept trying to figure out why I couldn't relax in my own home, when I went to work....

I can't even fathom how much money has been lost from my being afraid to be away from home

this is one part of a few things we are healing from

one partner is doing the work

the other hiding behind ( and for this reason is no longer under the umbrella of my household name) that it wasn't his agreement - that he had no obligation to tell me, stop the activity, protect my heart, honor my agreement...

regardless of if you feel people should have complete bodliy autonomy if someone says they aren't engaging in sexual activity without your knowledge or consent - it's cheating - not poly

my stomach hurts

I feel sick

I feel so sick that one of my partners was in FEAR that if he got caught he would lose everything and the other didn't stop and tell me, or correct it and when was asked to join counseling to clean up said not his issue.

my heart is broken in a way that I can't explain

for non poly folks - think of it this way - you are married , your friends know you are married and you invite a close long term friend into your home - then you go to work , or sleep, or to the bathroom or off to child care or walk dogs and in that time your friend thinks it's ok to engage sexually with your spouse because it wasn't "their" agreement with you on the podium before friends and family.... and perhaps becuase the spouse instigated it most of the times

it doesn't hurt any less in poly.

I am angry

I am in hate mode

I want this person to hurt and be hurt because I know of no other way to get to understanding - I want them to feel it, to learn and to never ever do this to someone else again

letting me think I was crazy or overreacting .... watching my friendships fall apart as I grappled for understanding and help

watching my primary relationship disintegrate due to the lies and the distance that comes with lies

but the biggest thing is the not being willing to stand and clean up the mess.

I am beyond crazy with pain