SLEEP PEACE Comfort

Pre coffee- left over from last nite

for context: for those people who do not understand why I am having trouble getting my life together and getting to work - here is another piece - all of this on the background of I am self employed and I NEED to be able to communicate with my client on week/work days in the mornings, wake up dealing with hashiomotos thyroid and no lungs - literally struggling for air.

I can't run my business losing 1 or 2 hours to arguing every morning. I can't keep losing my walks and my health to this.

I HAVE to be able to count on waking calmly, loving pups, having coffee, walking, and communicating with my clients - having my 7-noon be the loving woof pack mama being, loving partner being, coffee sharing, body moving meditation walking Ann Marie Taylor

Today is a weekend - plans with friend for dump run @ 8 am - non standard day - normally Saturday would be a work day or a sleep in ishy.

alarm went off @ 5:30, needed to be more like 6:30 am

setting stage Nathan Cole does not like mornings. fair.

we are working on mornings with kindness. fair.

he doesn't do "two sleeps" well . fair.

how ever last nite he fell asleep (an entrenched pattern) before bringing dogs in, we had to re get up about 11 ishy to bring them in and didn't get to bed til after midnight ishy... this puts us at "3 sleeps" alarm goes off at 5:30 am, ann hands Nathan phone. Ann needs sleep for health. ann needs thyroid meds and breathing meds to function and instead is handing nathan that god awful thing that won't shut up and is waking up the dogs and is getting whisper yelled at

no one should have to wake up in the morning and wonder if they are going to be elbowed and grumped at for telling their partner to turn off their alarm.

we have been calling this morning violence - but that makes it sound intentionally consciously physical so I am seeking wording that is accurate in intensity without overshooting

I think I will say morning hostility. belligerence, argumentative

the glaring, the brushing past, the snide ishyes

I have not had children but this may be akin to what teenagers do? I don't know,

I never had the luxury of arguing with mornings I have been self supporting since I was 15. I do know that in my 49 years on this planet I have slept by a lot of people and never before had to worry about getting elbowed or scowled @ and that I have been dealing with this mostly alone.

because, really, who CAN help? I tired to hire someone else to poke him with a stick and that didn't work.

It HAS gotten better - fewer days, further between

but NOONE can function like this - wondering every morning which will it be.

This has to change.

there will be peace in my bedroom

this will be a room of love and sanctuary

this will be the bed we bought it to be with kindness and snuggles

there will be tranquility and tenderness in these blankets

no more mornings with this angst- we have a signed agreement on this and its part of our counseling - mornings like this undo the healing that's started and as much as I hate to sleep alone without you by my side as much as I love the way you've been so much more accessible as we heal other things I can't do this repeated trauma in the morning when my shields are down

if you can't wake up without growling - real growling - and without pushing my arm with your elbow when I hand you the thing that's been ringing for 45 minutes and I need sleep

I won't have any more of these pre-screaming get out of bed things

I won't have to be the one who keeps saying put your feet on the ground, then speak

I signed up to be a lover not a drill sergeant

I hate this

I do not want this role

I have fought this role tooth and nail for what 3/4 years now

if you can't manage your sleep, then this changes now

sleep in the other room - I will come cuddle you to sleep, visit you then sleep in my own bed where it will be calm and loving and peaceful

we can fall asleep loving and entwined and then I can move to my bed, our bed for mental and emotional safety util you find your rythem

if you wake before me you can join me in that good frame of mind

but

stop sleep lashing and only be in here when you can sleep long enough to wake up peacefully when you know we can sleep in til natural wake, when you know you've finished your parenting and household duties

no more harsh words

no more pushing me away in my bed

no more flailing about instead of rolling out of bed

no more hurtful things said that you don't remember later

no more costing me sleep

go to bed on time

make sure your alarms work well enough that I don't have to be the alarm

and don't jostle/push me

sleep in the other room - make a nest I can visit

I NEED peace and to wake up feeling as safe as I do falling asleep.

no more mornings with waking hostility.

no more elbows in my upper arm as I hand you your noisy jangly thing

no more harsh words

I want to get back to the ann who wakes up smiling and hands you the first morning cup of coffee with love.

starting tomorrow morning.

peace, love, tenderness.